Restoration

fair warning... this one may get long. but its stuff i need to let out... mainly for me.so ive been home 17 days now and its been a long 17 days. I've been busy some days and other days just bored outta my mind. but i have had a lot of time to think and pray about a lot of stuff. In getting my room situated i came across a box of journals and drawings and different stuff from highschool and looking through them i was remembering all the amazing times that i had shared with the Lord and the reckless abandon that so many said that i had. in looking how i have changed over the years i see that its been like a rollercoaster (espically the past two and a half years) in march of 06 my youth pastor was asked to leave the church and that had its toll on everyone in the youth group. i left the church out of anger and confusion. i found myself in a new season of my life entering into my senior year of highschool but i was entering it with anger and hurt growing on the inside. i never showed these things even to those closest to me and just kept up my face that life was great and i loved jesus so much. because i had to keep up the way everyone saw me right? was i ever wrong. by december of that year i was doubting the very existance of the one who had gotten me through so much and who had made me the person i was. i began thinking that all these people raising their hands and dancing for jesus are fools. how could i ever have been like that (while this was going on inside i kept up the awesome christian face on the outside) i began to feel badly about this and i was thinking but i know He is real there is no way He isnt although i still couldnt wrap my mind around that fact.

so i went to campus preview in 07 the last weekend in march not knowing why but i knew that i was going to be going to toccoa falls college that year. i was like i dont know why but i know i need to go to this school (even though at this point i was thinking about just quitting the whole Jesus thing) so i go and there is this awesome bonfire and the Lord calls me back to himself and it was just amazing i felt free again. the anger and the hurt were fading away. i got back to moultrie on sunday and left out on tuesday for a conference in florida (i was only going b/c of the beach and rebecca from the netherlands was going) we get there and there was a prophecy room we went into the first night... The Lord really showed himself to me that night and throughout the week different things transpired. Lou Engle was there and although none of us really knew about the call this whole conference was about assembling the troops. God showed himself real to me and reminded me of all the giftings that He had placed in me since the day he first thought of me. He also remided me how much He loves it when i completely surrender to Him in worship.... just thinking about that week is bringing back a lot.

so that week is over and i come back to school and graduate and do the whole summer/ geting ready for school thing. but also in this a couple of us who were at the conference had been praying and fasting about going to thecall nashville. so on july 7, 2007 we went...thats another whole 10 pages i wont go there now.... but those of you who know about it or were there know what im talking about. i became so complete on that day. more than ever before. there was a freedom and a joy released that was undescribable. the rest of the summer went beautifully we had a nice prayer thing going and i was into GOd more than ever before. i went to my pastor (of the church i left) and apologized for the things that i had said out of my bitterness and began that healing process.

so i move in fant hall on august 16 a year ago... kinda weird how fast time goes by. but i was super excited. for about 3 days. then i was like what am i doing here. i felt like i was drowning in religous crap that i had spent the past year getting out of. i didnt really know anybody and didnt feel safe to be really real with anyone so i just tryied my best to keep my distance. i wanted to leave so bad because everything would be easier and i would be able to breathe and not worry about so much division and just plain out religious crap and legalism. but i stuck it out. first semester. then second semester im still not sure what happened. i pulled away b/c i knew i wasnt going to be able to return in the fall. but i did go to free chapel church in gainesville... wow... that was good. i began to realize how far i had come back since last summer. and although i was fighting it the doubt was starting to set in again. i did not let it take over but it was definately a struggle. school was out and it was time for summer but i had to stay and work... so i did... i worked, watched freechapel online and began to seek God's face. I was longing for His presence like i hadnt in almost a year. and there was a freedom about it... although the rooming situation was kinda akward....

so now here i am back in moultrie on august 1. i go back to my church and was welcomed by everyone and it was good to be back home. it was good to be in a place where i was free to be myself. whether i was having a bad day or a good one. its just been amazing. one week ago today i got news that my aunt passed away. she was like a grandmother more than an aunt so that was hard...really hard. but my brother decided on wensday that he wanted to give his life to Jesus and has been going to my papa learning more and more about what the bible says. thats super exciting!! other than that its just been a hard week. i dont know what im doing with my life anymore (it was all clear till last fall then it became cloudy) i long to be in that abandoned state once more where i can be completely recklessly abandonded to my King... i long to draw and write and dance once more. and i know those are desires that the Lord has placed in my heart...

restoration, thats what pastor talked about today... about complete restoration...thats what is needed...thats what i need...thats what i have... today august 17 2008 a day of complete restoration....

yea i still dont know what im doing in life except to serve my Jesus.