In reading my past journals, poetry and artwork, I am so ashamed of where I am now compared to then. No longer do I know that 14, 15, 16 year old who wrote, danced, drew, lived a life of abandonment. She was so passionate, so in love, so desperate for God. She didnt care what people said or thought about her. She worshipped without care, she loved people, she couldnt get enough of the Word, she had dreams and visions, she soaked in all she could like a sponge.
The churh hurt her, she lost her innocence, that girl slowly died.
She experienced and over came a lot of pain in her life prior to coming to Christ in 2004. Most of it from her family, and a large amount from the church people. When she was about 12 her 17 year old cousin tried to kill her. He got mad at her because she wouldnt do what he said. He reasoned, "well I'm older than you so you have to do what I say." She really thought she was going to die that day. Then her grandmother came to the rescue screaming and hitting her cousin (who held the girl by her neck suffocating the life out of her). He let go and ran out of the house so angry while the young girl collapsed on the floor trying to gain her breath.
In the years before and after that incident, her father never played an active role in her life. he was there in her life but he didn't treat her as his little girl. He had his son who was 20 months younger than her and born on his dad's birthday. All little girls need to be loved and cherished by their dads. Its just how we are made. Its how God created us. Whenever that father doesn't take time with his daughter, it leaves a hole in her heart that only a father is able to fill. (the same thing goes for boys, but this is my story and I'm not a boy)
These wounded girls reach adolecence with a wounded heart longing for it to be filled. The majority of them turn to guys, mostly older ones. Some of them turn to drugs, become very depressed. They try to fill the void with basicly anything that comes along. What they don't realize is all of these things will only make that wound worse. It will become like an infecton. Overtaking them and slowly killing them emotionally, physcally and spiritually.
Something else they don't know is the healing that they can recieve. That hole can be healed and filled with the love of Father God. Lukily for the girl in my story, God intervened. All of the searching that she may have put into guys, drugs or alcohol, she put into searching out this God. At a Pure Freedom conference hosted by Dannah Gresh in 2004, she came to realize the love of the Father. She made a commitment that weekend not to date during her highschool years, not to touch alcohol or drugs. To seek out this God who poured out all of Himself for her.
For the next two and a half years she went deeper and deeper. There were times where she wondered what am I doing? Why don't I just give in and be like everyone else? She wrote many times in her journal that she longed to be understood by people, to be "normal" but she would always go on to ask what defines normality. There were a lot of times in her journey where it was so hard for her. There were a lot of things she didn't understand but she just kept going deeper.
Her youth called her a little fireball and they let her loose during drama practice and sunday night worship. They didn't understand why she didnt really like going bowling or to play paintball but everytime there was a conference that she pushed for it to happen. Her youth pastor and his wife meant a lot to her. They mentored her as much as they could, but the dreams and visions came. Heather (the youth pastor's wife) understood sensitivity to the spirit but didn't really help out much with the dreams and visions situation so the girl kept them to herself.
The youth pastor was asked to leave the church for various reasons and the girl was devastated. She wanted to know why they were "kicked out" she thought it was because the church didn't like what the Lord was doing in the youth group, she thought that the church was being legalistic. She said some hurtful things to the pastors wife who tried to comfort her and the girl left. She walked out of that church promising to never return.
There was a church down the street that her best friend invited her to. She decided to try it out because she had known the youth pastor there since middle school and he was a pretty interesting dude. There were also a lot of students she knew who went to church there. She went and within 2 months was invited to become part of the core leadership of the youth group in a program they were going to start called the Apprenticeship. She said sure.
At the beginning of the school year she signed a contract saying that she would not listen to secular music (which she didnt like anyway), that she would not date (which she already didnt do), and various other things. it wasnt out of legalism that she signed this but because she had strong convictions on those things and that was the lifestyle she was living.
By December of that year which was her senior year in highschool she was starting to doubt the existance of God. The same God who had rescued her, who had kept her, who had admired her, who loved her and cherished her. She knew deep down that no matter what He was real but she just couldnt wrap her mind around it anymore. She had stopped the writing, the drawing, the dancing. The people in this new church were about keeping a low key and not offending people. She was conforming.
She was in so much pain and despair. By basicly tuning out the God that had done so much in her life, all the hurts from her past came flooding back. She couldn't sleep. She was angry and becoming very bitter towards everyone. She met a lady named Sharon. They went to a conference, God showed up, and this girl broke down. She began to dance again, she began to love again. Her life was shattered in pieces but she was whole again. God opened up something totally new to her and it was great to know that she hadn't strayed to far to be able to hear His voice.
Graduation came and went. That summer was a great one for the girl, but it was also a hard one. She was experiencing God in a new way. This lady who she had met was now councilling her. She was being mentored and it was great. They went to theCall Nashville. 07-07-07 a day of covenants. It was a beautiful. The girl heard the voice of God. Her eyes were opened to the spiritual world once again. She was that girl again.
College happened. She was so excited for her first year at a "christian" school. It would be great. She would be able to be so open and free. She would grow so much. Thats what she thought. She was terribly wrong. When she got there within the first 2 weeks she was thinking she made a terrible mistake. She had some great friends but there were limitations on a lot of things. There was no praying in spiritual languages, even whispers in chapel. There was not a lot of movement for worship and if you did you were condemned. At one point in time she was even told that her prayer language was of the devil and she should repent.
Everyone wanted to be in a relationship. Probably 2/3 of the students get engaged/married by their second year at that school. She was so down and out. She thought this would be a great growing experience. It was. Just not in the way she expected. She learned a lot about the new testament. She looked into a lot of issues she hadn't really considered or formed her own opinion on. She found all the scriputres about the baptism of the Holy Spirit, but she comprimised. She let standards of holiness down. She wanted to be in that "normal christian crowd."
She knew this mentatlity was all wrong so she decide to come back home and see how things went. She made new friends over the summer and was seeking God harder than she had in a long time. Without a lot of people on campus there was more freedom. There was one person in her life in particular who has made her think. He has challenged her to go foward, to go deep, to know where she stands and why thats where she stands.
She returned to her home church, the one that she left on bad terms. They have gotten a new student minister and she has been praying and mending relationships at the church which were destroyed when she walked out. She is also seeing the Spirit flow in a way that that church has never experienced before. She is soaking in all she can from her pastors.
That girl who wrote in my journals a few years ago, the girl who has been through a lot in her lifetime, the girl is being restored. She is being turned into a woman of God. Her name is Elizabeth Danielle. The name her parents gave her almost 20 years ago is becoming a reality to her. Her name literally means One who is Consecrated and set apart for God, and God is my judge.
Elizabeth [was] righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless. John 1:6.
Daniel stayed true to God and prayed three times a day. He refused to bow to idols, and would not eat the food or drink the wine furnished by the King. Through his faithfulness, God gave him dreams and revelations, the power to interpret dreams, safety from his enemies, and God gave him a long life.
I want to live up to all that God thought of me when He first called my name. I know that my mother chose to have me with no doubts in her mind for a reason. When I was younger I sometimes would wish that she had either given me up for adoption or aborted me which are both situations for someone who is pregnant out of wedlock usually think of. My mother has told me before that she never once thought of either of these things.
I know that there is a purpose for my life. What that is at this point I don't know but what I do know is that I will do everything. I will press on. I will press in. I will not be moved. I will fight for my life if need be. I will share the joy of the Lord with all I come in contact with. I want to be called righteous and faithful. I want to live a life pleasing to God. Not conforming to those around me. Not giving in to condemnation for something I know is a gift from God.
This is me. This is who I am. This is who I will always be. No matter what may happen in my life, no matter what the enemy may fire at me, I will stand my ground from now on. Yes it will get tough and there will b times whn I get down, but that happens to everyone. The difference for me is I always get back up. No matter what happens, God waits around patiently and when I call out for Him, He rushes in and helps me climb back up after cleaning my wounds.
This is who I am. I will change for nobody.
Recklessly Abandoned,
Lover of Christ,
Daughter of the Most High,
Elizabeth Danielle.
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